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WHITE
PANTY CHRONICLES 5
Rain
Productions, 1999
Starring:
Amber Michaels, Timber, Cassandra Knight, Jenny MacArthur, Frank Towers,
Brick Majors
Director:
Anthony and Mitchell Spinelli
Themes:
white girls, lesbian sex, real breasts, outdoor sex
Rating:
5.5 out of 10
MR.
WEB REVIEW'S REVIEW:
Directors
Anthony and Mitchell Spinelli have a ludicrous porn premise: shoot girls
in white panties outside in the cold, interview them, and watch them have
sex. Their black panty chronicles series, featuring black starlets, had a
similarly dumb plot, but lots of heat, so we gave the white version a try.
Maybe
the earlier versions were hotter. This was lukewarm, a limp dicker, if you
know where we're coming from.
First up is Timber, who has been in the biz for a year. She's been an
exotic dancer for three years. She's a big-titted blonde who gets all made
up in the bathroom and is happily talking about how Towers is going to let
her dominate an upcoming sex scene.
Turns
out Timber has several boyfriends who all know about each other (maybe
they think it's a small price to pay to date this huge-hootered sexual
dynamo). So Timber gets into her white panties and talks about having
filmed a movie with Warren Beatty and how she's working on getting her SAG
card (screen actors guild) and, well, it's just too much stream of
consciousness for us. Where's the sex?
So
next we get to see Towers interviewed. Oh goody. He reminds of Gomer
Pyle,a big happy loof who used to be called "Drago." In his
interview, Towers giggles a lot. But he does have perfect teeth.
We are
now 13 minutes into the movie, and still no tits in sight, but finally
Timber starts her photo shoot and fans, let us tell ya, she's got a
dynamite rack. Howard Stern would fall over his headset to grab them. When
the sex finally kicks in, Timber sucks off Opie Taylor, er, Towers while
standing and leaves several long trails of saliva everywhere (reminding of
Janet Jacme and Nina DePonca). Towers gets a nice tit fuck in before
Timber sits on his face while he plays with her asshole.
The
intercourse starts in girl on top facing away position (reverse cowgirl)
with a condom in place, and the Spinellis give us those great
"underneath' shots that make racks look better than normal (I think
Don Cornelius and "Soul Train" started these angles).
Our
next lovely is Amber, who calls to check to see if she got a lead in a new
movie during her interview segment. She's a slenderoni with a huge tit job
(think a young Champagne or Sarah Jane Hamilton). But her tits sit too
high on her chest. And during Amber's photo shoot, another blonde,
Cassandra, slips in to make this a two-girl shoot.
There's
too much talking again, and we go back to the bathroom, where the girls
chat some more before going outside and getting busy on a lounge chair,
but there's no passion, no heat. Amber eats Cassandra. Cassandra eats
Amber. They rub each other. They suck each other. They use a pink dildo.
It's by the book. It's boring.
And
finally, batting cleanup and trying to save a flick that's dying by the
minute, are Brick and Jenny, who pull up in a red convertible. Jenny
changes for her pictures. She's a flat-chested redhead with a cute face
and very nervous disposition. She's stiff during her photo shoot and is
stiffer with a stiff one in her mouth. She looks like a high school junior
(and we know this is a turn on for some of you, sadly) and her scene, like
the lesbo concoction, just doesn't do it.
Like
we said earlier, maybe the earlier WPC episodes are better. We know the
Black Panty versions are pretty hot, at least episodes 2 and 3, so we'll
give the Spinellis the benefit of the doubt here. Even Michael Jordan had
bad games.
Copyright
© Mr. Web Review Sept. 1999
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