The Hitman

"HITMAN WITH A CONSCIOUS"
Barrett Blade has trouble icing the ladies; so he bangs 'em instead

By Mr Web Review
Senior Writer

Barrett Blade -- who has two silver guns named "Mary Kate" and "Ashley'' -- has an awful tough problem. He's a hit man for hire who can't take out the beautiful women his boss (Herschel Savage) wants him to waste.

Starring: Jessica Drake, Alexa Rae, Barrett Blake, Herschel Savage, Sunrise Adams, Dolorian, Jay Ashley
Director: Robby D
Company: Digital Playground
Run Time: 88 mins
Themes: Couples film, condoms, straight sex
Year Released: 2004
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
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This is a bit funny at times, but you can see all the jokes coming, but the sex ain't too bad.

On Barrett's first mission, he goes to collect $20,000 from Sunset Adams (minus her fake boobs), who offers a hot blowjob to spare her life.

Let's see. Get hot head from a hot babe by a pool or shoot her brains out? You guess what he did.

Shot outdoors in beautiful light, director Robby D shows us two pretty people getting it on while some new age uptempo Yanni music drowns out Sunset's moaning while she gets some hot doggy style loving with a condom in place. She reaches back to play with Barrett's balls as he works, while he pretty round ass looks great being pounded.

After a little side saddle action, we cut to Barrett cumming on Sunrise's pretty face.

Barrett still could've whacked her afterwards I guess, but he doesn't have the heart. So he has to go back to his boss and explain he didn't get his $20,000.

Herschel's overacting is the funniest thing in the movie. Understand the dialogue is nothing memorable and the sets are cheesy, but seeing Herschel give up his best Tony Montana is pretty hilarious.

"I could've gotten a fucking 14 year old kid with a fucking club who would've done a better job than you," Herschel screams at Barrett, instructing him to think with his big head in the future.

Then Herschel gives Barrett more work. All this yelling has given Herschel a "splitting fucking headache," which his bar girl, Delorian, begins to take care of for him, bending down in pink shorts and roller skates to give ol' Herschel a good blow.

Herschel licks it before he sticks it (condom on) and enjoys this blonde cutie in reverse cowgirl, more Yanni-ish tunes playing over the moaning. After a good hard five minutes, Delorian sucks Herschel off to an open mouth facial.

Meanwhile our hero is on his way to his job, when his old boss calls with another quick job -- with no women. He runs into another assassin, an old friend (which leads to one of the true funny scenes in the film). Problem is this male hit turns into a couple, so Barrett gets to leave and his buddy watches the couple -- Jay Ashley and Alexa Rae -- have one last bang before they go.

So he sees and we see Jay get to taste Alexa's sweet nothings. Then he gives her a good fingering as she lays back and her artificial but well done tits lay down just right. He tongue fucks her before the couple gets into a standing 69, which is pretty hot. Condom-on, he takes her in reverse cowgirl and missionary while sucking her toes and briefly choking her lightly.

Then she pulls back the condom and takes his load into her open mouth. Unlike Barrett, the other hit man has no problem with women. He takes the couple out (you don't see any blood or anything though).

We cut to Herschel who's pissed as usual and has another "headache." He asks his wife, Jessica Drake, to give him some relief. She thinks he's cheating. He convinces her he's not and proceeds to get a little legal nookie. She makes him eat her out first, though, and then she sucks him off, allowing him to finger her hot ass. She applies the condom very sexily and jumps on ol' Hersch for a cowgirl ride, which evolves into a semi mish, side-saddle and a cum.

Soon after duty calls and the Mrs. is mad that Hersch is leaving right after getting off. She's so upset she wants a divorce, but he threatens her with a pillow.

But it turns out that Barrett's next job is to kill Mrs. Hersch. Only when he breaks in the house and is about to shoot her, she's all in tears.

"Go ahead," she tells him when he points the gun at her, "put me out of my misery."

Of course, Barrett can't do it and of course he comforts her and fucks her, putting his guns down and getting into a 69 faster than you can say "You just lost your job, schmuck."

But then again, if we could all stick our fingers up Jessica's cooch while she sat on our faces we might not want to kill her, too.

So Barrett goes at her in doggy and cowgirl and she jerks him off to a full and satisfying cum on her breasts. Then they lay together on Hersch's expensive sofa when Hersch walks in (cue "something bad is about to happen" music).

Barrett pulls the guns on Herschel, who tries to act like it was a misunderstanding, ordering Barrett out. Barrett shows Mrs. Hersch the hit that was written on a piece of paper (how smart).

So Barrett takes Jessica out via gunpoint -- pointed at Hersch --and Hersch is so upset that when they leave, he picks up the phone and orders a bucket of fried chicken. Meanwhile, our hit man goes on to marry Hersch's wife (how you do that I don't know). But Herschel, apparently now pissed now he's gotten a few drumsticks in him, sends another hitman to kill Barrett. But while Barrett had trouble with girls, he didn't have any wasting guys.

Then Barrett has his hit man buddy take out Herschel so he can live happily ever after with Mrs. Hersch.